When Kara asked me to write this post, I honestly felt like I have through the entire situation. I felt at a loss for the right words to say. I also didn’t want to say anything that would be upsetting (I can be really good at doing that kind of thing). So when I finally sat down on this, I thought I’d simply talk about the process from my perspective. Surely, I can find those words.

As Kara has stated in other posts, there is nothing wrong here that we are currently aware of. Which, given the modern marvels of science and the large amounts of awkward testing we’ve both gone through, to hear that diagnosis is SUPER encouraging. Nothing wrong means there’s nothing to fix. Every husband in the world has one innate desire when they meet their wife; they want to fix every single problem they’ll ever encounter. The sense of helplessness that came with that diagnosis was as bad as the diagnosis itself.

Kara and I have never been ones to sit around feeling sorry for ourselves. We are very fortunate to be where we are. We have an amazing support system surrounding us. We also have access to great healthcare. We made a plan and began to execute.

First things first…

“John, here’s this little cup. We need you to go in that bathroom that we all use throughout the day that has wallpaper that you thought you’d only find in your grandparents house and do something you’ve been training for since your early teen years. When you’re finished, open that little door in the wall, set the cup on the shelf, yell “HERE’S JOHNNY” and come on out like we don’t all know what you were just in there doing.”

– That’s not exactly what they told me, but it was something along those lines.
I wanted to offer a few words of advice to guys going through the similar processes we are:

• Don’t ask for any materials. If they provide them, awesome. If not, let it go.
• Don’t try and compare what you just did to anything your wife has been through or will go through.

Now for Kara’s experiences from my perspective Round 1:

Why does this doctor have needle nose pliers?
Also, what the hell is that set of scissors that’s been flattened to look like a ducks bill gonna be used for?
Oh, here we go. They’re going to use them both…..oh, oh no.
Yes, that had to have been painful.
Did the doctor just give my wife’s vagina a gender-specific personal pronoun?

Round 2:

Why did they give her this robe that clearly should have an instruction manual with it?
Why is there a monstrous probe attached to a computer?
Why is this assistant not saying anything and why is she standing in the corner, only moving when the doctor does?
Why is this doctor talking about my wife freckles?

Why is the doctor now talking to me with the robe covering half his face, like I’m Tim Allen and he’s my always friendly “howdy ho neighbor”?
Why did they let the nurse who has obviously never taken blood before practice on my wife?

Other AMAZING things that have happened:

As many of you probably know by now, Kara has taken several rounds of a medicine that in the most simplistic explanation possible really messes with your hormones. And let me tell you something, nothing is more exciting than having your wife’s hormones messed with. You think it is going to be amazing and euphoric and sunshine and rainbows and then you realize you’re an idiot. Now before I say something that may get me in trouble, I want to say that Kara is the most amazing person I know. She’s been absolutely phenomenal through all of this. That being said, scientifically, it is impossible not to have moments of sadness, frustration and anger.

So I thought I’d give a breakdown of things to say and things not to say to your wife as she’s going through any form of hormone treatment:

Things to say:

Why you say them:

Things not to say:

Why you don’t say them:

You look amazing today

Because she does

You look amazing today

Because obviously you’re just saying that, it’s not true

I love you

Because you do

I love you

Because obviously you don’t

How are you feeling?

Because you’re generally concerned about her well-being

How are you feeling?

Because you’d never understand

Good morning

Because you’re just waking up and wanting to say something to her

Good morning

Because clearly it is not a good morning

 

You read that right, the things to say are exactly the same as the things not to say. It is unfair not to expect unusual emotions through this. I’m terrible with emotions and even I have had tears well up watching a commercial about diapers. The important thing to remember is you are in this together. Speak to your partner. Share in the experience you’re going through. Say the things you normally would and never lose sight of who you are and why you’re doing this. Kara is going to be the world’s best mom, which means a lot of people are going to have to throw away their t-shirts and coffee mugs.

All joking aside, Kara is phenomenal. She continues to amaze me on a daily basis with her strength and determination on what we are going through. When she decided to share our story, it didn’t surprise me one bit. That is who she is. She has dedicated her life to trying to help as many people as she can in any way that she can. She is my best friend. I could not have gone through this without her….because going through fertility treatment as a single man would be the most confusing thing that doctor has ever encountered.

-John

Kara’s note: Shoutout to what once was Wink Photography for our engagement pictures from six years ago. It’s crazy we’ve been living together for almost a decade!

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